ENGLISH JOKES – angielski humor

Jeśli znacie jakieś ciekawe angielskie żarty (english jokes), przesyłajcie je do redakcji,
na adres: redakcja@angielski-online.pl.

English jokes


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although
his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one
day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him, if he could arrange
a divorce for him – „very quick.”
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on
the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: „Have you any grounds?”
POLE: „JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home.”
LAWYER: „No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
POLE: „It made of concrete.”
LAWYER: „Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: „No, we have carport, and not need one.”
LAWYER: „I mean, What are your relations like?”
POLE: „All my relations still in Poland.”
LAWYER: „Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: „Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.”
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?”
POLE: „No, I always up before her.”
LAWYER: „Is your wife a nagger?”
POLE: „No, she white.”
LAWYER: „WHY do you want this divorce?”
POLE: „She going to kill me.”
LAWYER: „What makes you think that?”
POLE: „I got proof.
LAWYER: „What kind of proof?”
POLE: „She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover’.”

Poetry Contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a red-neck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less and the poem had to contain the word „Timbuktu”. The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!! How, they wondered could the red neck top that?! The clock started again and the red neck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three, we was two,
So, I bucked one and Timbuktu.

… and more english jokes!

An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
„What do you think you’re laughing at,” he cried, „you’re next.”
An Englishman, roused by a Scot’s scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. „Man,” scoffed the Scot, „hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no ambition)?”
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. „What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?” „Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!” the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
„Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.” „Saints be praised, I…” Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, „Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.” Soon the doctor delivers the next child. „You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.”
„Thanks be to…”
Again the Doctor cuts in, „Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!” Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection.
„Doctor,” asks Mike, „Do you think it’s the light that’s attracting them?”
At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, „I’ll give £150!”
A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress „Waitress,” he said, „there’s dirt in my coffee!”. „That’s not surprising, sir, replied the waitress, „It was ground only half an hour ago.”
Two Americans are talking. One asks: „What’s the difference between capitalism and communism?”
„That’s easy” says the other one. „In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!”
An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, „The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free”. Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,”..yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.” Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says „Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag”
The English says „WOW! Did that happen to you?” and the Irishman replies „No, but it happened to my sister.”